Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jer M.I.A.'s LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
12:01 pm	It is definitely winter. The weather wouldn't convince me if my temperament was different, but I can feel....uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh. Thankfully I am familiar with this. I will stay occupied. I will have to once the new courses start. The new sludge band may be my salvation this time. Brattleboro is still too young for me. This, even though significant changes have happened. The old group of self-destructives have for the most part grown out. One went to rehab. Others have changed their orientation to life (or at least songwriting). A great deal of my idealism is gone. To give an old friend credit: 'utopia' is a sign. 'freedom' is a sign. And then there's my self-psychoanalysis. The question is what makes me happy. If I really am unable to enjoy myself without channeling my misery into anger at the state of the world and directing all of my consciousness toward attacking current conditions, I should do just that. But before I die I would rather laugh a few more times and see people more as for-themselves rather than in-relation-to-political-idealism. Maybe I will regain a sense of world-change motivation once I am significantly distanced from the adolescent self-adornment that I am now so used to associating it with. Or maybe I will once it becomes necessary for immediate survival. As for now, I feel no necessity to give my life for the cause. Humanity can rot in its own filth if that's what we (as a collective) choose to do. If this species is going the route of self-annihilation, who am I to stop it, and why should I? Maybe that's just where we have to go. Or maybe it will be better on the other side. I want to be happy. I want to make beautiful music. I want to screw my brains out and love my friends and family deeply. I want to make a difference to real people, not to some surrogate god. I want respect from others, I want strength, and I want to laugh a lot. Maybe I would rather be like Nero, fiddling while Rome burns. Rome had to burn. It was a mess. Bring in the new dark ages. I'm just a monkey trying to hump and be merry. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 25th, 2006
11:38 am	The new job is going well. Scary and good. I think I might get paid this coming Friday. My car is in the shop. they ordered parts that got sent to the wrong place. I have been driving around a bright blue car with a big white oval that says "Brattleboro Tire Courtesy Car" all week. This condition should be over Tuesday morning. I am really really slowly reading Aristotle's book on ethics. I am kind of sick. It's annoying, but not paralyzing. Billie Holiday's early work is amazing. Some folks are trying to convince me to go to Portland tonight. We shall see... (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
12:12 pm	Home free...I think I start at the new place on the 13th. Vaudeville fell through. I will be studying Sinatra's chord changes. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
2:29 pm	the jobs are responding No rejection letters yet. A couple more interviews next week. Who knows...I think I should resume tunnel-visioned forward motion. It will be easier with full-time work. I have a strong 'i just want to get away' feeling. I wouldn't mind going somewhere new and just focusing on the things I do. I know this happens back and forth. I could try to find a middle ground. Or maybe there's just no answer. I love the people in my life very much, and then I am tired of attracting chaos to myself. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 6th, 2006
1:28 pm	Damn it Jared! David Bowie was supposed to play! That was my dream, apart from the guinea pig attacking me. Jared had set up a show for Mantits/Pretend You're Happy (in the dream it almost made sense), David Bowie, and others...at the last minute he cancelledand it was after David Bowie was already on his way. Mr. Bowie came to my house and we had a video camera on. Well, the outside show space was already packed with cars and people were piling in. So we had the show anyway. I need full-time work really bad. I am also thinking of going to back for more schooling. Psychiatric Nursing seems more lucrative and a nursing degree is more likely to offer me employment security (in relative terms). After all, therapy is a fad, and opportunities change with the political climate. But people will always need medical help. I think my ideal 'date' would, at some relatively emotionally appropriate point, say something to me like: "I want you to let me into your soul" or "I'm not afraid. I want to love you so hard and so fucking beautiful that we bring each other close to death." So here's my best guess: When I give systemic assessments or observations of interpersonal patterns that involve myself and others, I come off as condescending and very self-assured. Other people are offended and desire to cut me down from this, and also, in not already observing what I bring up, have no immediate reason to believe me. What I say rings untrure, and how I position myself is uncomfortable and aggravating. So they generally shoot me down immediately or tell me to shut up, with or without the explicit verbiage. I don't believe I have a direct access to hidden truths, or that my predictions are always accurate. It would be much more appropriate if I could have a subliminal caption underneath everything I say as follows: "I don't know anything. Really is complex beyond the capacity of my comprehension." But I don't. So I sometimes use lengthy disclaimors instead. I am thinking the answer to my problem is multiple. 1. I need to just accept it as an inevitable tension in my life. 2. I need to be more tactful about when I say things and how I say things. 3. I should develop quickly spoken and well articulated defenses subverting the kneejerk denial. 4. I need to speak more about my emotions and less about my analyses. 5. I should accept that I will form more intimate bonds with people that see patterns. Similar to the bullfrog song, the refrain will follow me throughout my life: "You're reading too much into things." And no, I will never believe it. Even just on philosophical grounds. Problems and paralyses DO NOT come from "reading too much into things". They come from getting stuck in thought or being obsessively preoccupied. You can see infinite complexity behind the simplest of actions and you can inform your actions with an understanding of multiple layers of meaning and possibility. It becomes crippling when you get hung up on it all and mull over things instead of enjoying yourself. Gettng hung up and not enjoying yourself has nothing to do with complexity. It's just fixation and negativity. I could think for 10 hours "I hate New Hampshire drivers!!!" and that wouldn't be reading too much into things, but it would ruin my day unnecessarily. Anyway, moving on... Compassion Loyalty Responsibility Empathy Self-disclosure Intimacy Warmth Boundaries Accountability Dedication Compromise Cooperation That's my new model of an ideal smoochy-smoochy relationship. And obviously voracious and wild uninhibited lustful abandon combined with painfully sugary sweet cuddly kissiness, at least full force for a couple of months, and still there afterwards, maybe less desperate and probably less frequent, but still there... And I want somebody to want me to stay with them forever and to tell me so. Not in a 'because I'm really emotionally unstable and can't deal with my own shit without using you as a crutch' sort of a way. But just because it feels so good and means so much. And I want to want it and to say it. And we can both know that everything in life and death is in passing, and we can both know that the future will be whatever it comes to. But we can sit with that tension and feel how beautiful and scary it is, and know that we're going to try. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
2:02 pm	coverletter resume Interview, classifieds, bank account, estimation, future, email, library print-out, burn CD, doctor cover letter, etc. ad nauseum (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
11:56 am	I need a new job pronto What else can I say? Played music, good. Feeling less crazy. Good. Interview tomorrow. Psychiatric nursing, anyone? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
1:42 pm	Back in Brat I tried to escape Brattleboro about a year ago. Now I'm back. East Randolph was sufficiently demoralizing and then I realized I have a home in a town that doesn't feel quite as terrible as it used to. Not, in fact, terrible at all anymore. Warm even. I don't have to stay with friends or drive two hours to get to work everyday. I am practicing the keys more frequently. I also have a new band called Barkie Sharpie Sharky Barf Dehydrodon Vepverp. Come visit me and my wonderful housemate and we will charm and DDR your sexy socks off and throw them in the oven to dry the passionate foot sweat into crusty platforms of joy. Waves of something surge through my body frequently. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
8:31 am	You scored as Drunk Cat. Put down the bottle, Cheech. Sign up for some AA classes and drink a glass of water. Bars are ok once in a while, but you shouldn't be sleeping at them. </td> Drunk Cat 50% Pissed at the World Cat 42% Couch Potato Cat 33% Derranged Cat 25% Nerd Cat 17% Love Machine Cat 8% Ninja Cat 8% Which Absurd Cat are you? created with QuizFarm.com (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:19 am	You scored as The Stud. Often seen as the quiet loner, you often dress in leather and stand in the rain hoping to meet a potential lover. </td> The Stud 50% The Pretty-Boi Dyke 45% The Bohemian Dyke 35% The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 30% The Granola Dyke 30% The Little-Boy Dyke 30% The Femme Fatale 25% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 25% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 25% The Student Dyke 25% The Surprise! Dyke 20% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 20% The Hipster Dyke 10% What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
8:10 am	You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause. </td> Batman, the Dark Knight 67% Neo, the "One" 58% The Amazing Spider-Man 54% Captain Jack Sparrow 50% James Bond, Agent 007 50% Maximus 50% William Wallace 50% Lara Croft 38% Indiana Jones 33% El Zorro 25% The Terminator 17% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
7:54 am	You scored as Face. You are attracted to: faces. You are a face person. </td> Abs/Stomach 67% Face 67% Boobs 50% Butt 25% Penis 17% What Body Part Are You Attracted To?(pics) created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
7:51 am	You scored as Hippy. </td> Hippy 63% Nerdy Girl 56% Slut 50% Loser 44% Goth 38% Athletic Tomboy 31% Popular Bitch 25% Preppy Girl 25% What type of girl are you?!! created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
7:07 pm	You scored as Sleeping Beauty. Your alter ego is Princess Aurora, a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty! You are beautiful and enchanting, and as sweet as ever. </td> Sleeping Beauty 75% The Beast 69% Peter Pan 63% Goofy 63% Pinocchio 56% Ariel 50% Cinderella 44% Donald Duck 38% Cruella De Ville 31% Snow White 31% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com (1 Comment |Comment on this)
6:41 pm	You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. </td> Angel 75% Faerie 75% Mermaid 67% WereWolf 34% Dragon 17% Demon 0% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
6:13 pm	You scored as Jean Grey. Jean Grey is likely the most powerful X-Man. She loves Cyclops very much but she has a soft spot for Wolverine. She's psychic so she can sense how others are feeling and tries to help them. She also has to control her amazing powers or the malevolent Phoenix entity could take control of her and wreak havok. Powers: Telekinetic, Telepathic </td> Jean Grey 80% Rogue 70% Gambit 55% Nightcrawler 50% Wolverine 45% Emma Frost 40% Cyclops 35% Storm 35% Colossus 30% Iceman 30% Beast 20% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
6:01 pm	Your results: You are Deanna Troi Deanna Troi 70% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 55% Geordi LaForge 50% Will Riker 40% James T. Kirk (Captain) 40% Uhura 40% Worf 35% Jean-Luc Picard 35% Spock 32% Data 26% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 25% Chekov 20% Beverly Crusher 20% Mr. Scott 15% Mr. Sulu 15% You are a caring and loving individual. You understand people's emotions and you are able to comfort and counsel them. Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
10:15 pm	job interview Monday Cross your fingers. It's the one up in WRJ. Who knows? I will have to come in with a bunch of relevant questions. R.D. Laing. Amazing. Beautiful. Seriously. I'll post up some quotes soon. I saw what is likely to be my future apartment in B-boro today. Boo-yeah! The people at Brattleboro tire made my car really quiet and smooth for $75. I want a new job. One that won't make me sick. Someone suggested I wear a Huey Lewis and the News tshirt. Not a bad idea. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 29th, 2006
9:51 am	Blaaarg Brattleboro is tugging at me like a bat of out hell. ? Yes, it's true. I feel pretty much at home there, and I have a number of good friends, and others that are becoming gooder. Yes, I mean "gooder." I am a wingnut, sure. In Brattleboro the many colors of wingnut drown the town in colorful oddness. In Randolph and SoRo...let's just say I watched '10 Things I Hate About You' yesterday and I felt like CrossRoads (among other things) suddenly made much more sense. I had some apartment confusion but all is well. I am sending a letter to the landlord ASAP saying I will be out September 1 if she can find someone to move in. That will save me $650. I am applying for a new job from a number of places. The current agency is not paying the bills, or at least won't be for much longer. "Fee-for-service" can go frig itself. I love Toby. He is amazing. I learned the joys of hula hooping from him this weekend. I bought one for myself it made me so happy. Of course, part of the greatness was watching him stand outside McNeill's yelling "kine nugs bra!" and many other equally ludicrous things repeatedly while hula hooping. Night number 2 included him and Ian hula hoopling on skateboard. Toby really wanted to hula hoop naked on the skateboard, and almost did. A lot of people were really happy about the hoops. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
9:43 pm	Get me the hell out of here Randolph sucks ass. Bird ass. I like being in Brattleboro again. A lot. I could stay there soon. I called my landlord. Maybe get out of lease early, maybe not. If not, I should be able to be out in September, or at least have the money to pay somewhere and spend a month moving stuff. If I get hired in Brattleboro I might pay two rents for awhile. It's not like I haven't done it before. I am job-hunting. I sent out two resumes today. Yesterday I was pissed. Officially pissed. Then I went bowling. I really should not drink too much coffee. I found out again today. Slowing down is as much for my emotional well-being as for my health. Lots of coffee is not good for me. Bob Dylan is though. Quotes for the month: 1. I love my friends dearly. 2. I don't have time for this shit. 3. Pubes. 4. I love Ernest. 5. I am learning how to be sad again. 6. I refuse to be 'the man.' 7. Take your evasive use of language, your skillful presentation of self, and your self-protective individualistic straight-jacket, and shove them repeatedly in your stupid vacant empty American shit-stinking ass-cavern. 8. I love you. 9. All of my indictments are attempts for me to hide from the fear and vulnerability of sitting with my own pain and intimately understanding its reality and inevitability. 10. I am trying to be more selfless. (8 Comments |Comment on this)